Yesterday, I finally took down the Christmas decorations
But I did it a little differently this year.
Instead of simply stowing them away haphazardly in the giant red Rubbermaid boxes I bought during my first Christmas post-divorce, I carefully sorted each item and photographed it against a plain background (actually it’s my carpet but I know enough Photoshop to remove it if necessary). Using my best in-home studio lighting (overhead lights because the ring light isn’t working), I captured multiple angles of some pieces, ensuring a thorough visual record.
I created an Airtable database to store the images in (and you’re welcome to check it out, they’re so much fun). I use Airtable in genealogy and in other large research-based writing projects, basically any time I need to organize a lot of information and files. This time, for the first time ever, I tried their Ai app builder. Airtable is free.
I described in plain language that I wanted to track the project of distributing my family Christmas decorations, some to my descendants and some saved for myself in a storage unit. I’m impressed with the format it came up with. Let me know what you think, it’s a free program to use but heavy users need to upgrade. They give me a $10 credit toward my membership when you sign up, even though it doesn’t cost you money. I track everything on Airtable:
Over the next year, I’ll ask my mother for details about the heirlooms, gathering her memories of each piece and entering them into the proper field in the Airtable database. When Christmas returns—my last one before moving to Mexico—these photos will guide me in sorting and distributing everything with intention.
Sadly, nothing remains from my own childhood. The ornaments I cherished were left behind in an attic when we moved in 1998, a loss I still mourn. That absence makes it even more important for me to preserve what remains and pass it down meaningfully. Except when I feel like I don’t want to burden my kids with the potential pain of losing all their own childhood ornaments. CPTSD is weird that way.
As I packed, I felt a deep relief knowing I won’t be responsible for Christmas much longer. After more than 30 years of motherhood, I’m so ready to step back. My eldest hosted Christmas a couple years ago and she did a fabulous job. I’m so ready to be liberated from the weight of all these responsibilities and commitments. When can I exhale?
The holidays have been a relentless, year-round effort. When I was married, Christmas was entirely my responsibility—financially and emotionally. My ex used to love reminding me that he was Jewish and that if I wanted our kids to have Christmas, I’d have to figure it out myself. And I did, sometimes with help from friends.
There was rarely enough money to give as much as I wanted, never enough time to create all the traditions I dreamed of. I still regret never having professional portraits. Even after the divorce, long work hours left me drained, just trying to keep us fed and housed. Still, life was infinitely better divorced than it was while married.
We had some great Christmases, though. I treasure memories of their happy noise and joyful play times. I loved our time together cooking holiday treats, playing games, reading stories and sharing special moments. I didn’t get as much of that as I wanted and I know they didn’t get as much as they needed but it’s all we had and I treasured the memories of each one of my girls at every age and in every season.
These days are easier in some ways, I have an excellent partner who is a fabulous co-parent. In fact, he offered to help put away the ornaments, but what can I say? Solitude is infinitely more comfortable than collaboration, it will probably always be my happiest place.
Celebrating My Past While Building My Future
Today, I am working hard to focus on the future, and in my future, I will need a storage unit.
For now, I don’t know exactly how long things will be stored or what my next steps will be. Will I eventually ship everything to the home I built in Mexico? Or will I settle near my grandbabies in Washington State?
One certainty is that I cannot stay in the Midwest once my youngest moves out. This is not a place for me.
Another unfortunate certainty is that nobody but me cares how I feel about my life, at least not enough to commit their resources and energy into making my dreams happen.
We live in a culture where mothers are not valued, and there are no accommodations for mothers to retire or even continue surviving in the USA. There’s a reason the fastest growing population in the homeless community in the USA is women over age 50. Shame on patriarchy for creating systems that neglect the wellness of women and children.
If I want my life to be the way I CHOOSE, then once again, I need to figure it out myself.
I have always planned to travel once my kids are grown. I’ve never NOT wanted to travel and I have spent the past (over 30) years looking forward to a time in my life when I could explore the world and follow my own interests and simply be an autonomous person in the world, I have never been more excited for anything in my entire life. I’ve spent my whole life waiting to live it.
Nobody should have to wait 52 years to taste autonomy
Until now, the plan has been to #Vanlife the USA while my kids are in college. I planned to visit friends, tour this beautiful country and adventure here visiting National Parks and Genealogical sites and taking photos and writing and exploring. It was to be a lovely solo adventure, meandering around and taking it all in.
In 2011, I tried to travel the US with my kids and my (now ex) husband. I hoped that spending some time alone with me and the kids would soften his heart. When I was alone with the kids I felt such joy and peace and wonder and sweetness. I was pretty sure that if he were able to enjoy some relaxing time with us, he’d treat us more kindly. I didn’t understand how someone could continue containing meanness in their heart, in the face of such angelic and sweet little people. But it turned into a horror version of Mr Toad’s Wild Ride when he realized that his efforts to “save our marriage” (Instead of paying ANY attention to our relationship) were inadequate and ended up with my ex-laws kidnapping 2/3 of my children. I wanted to show them the world, and explore the country together as a family, but it turned terrifying as soon as we drove away.
Just because one adventure is ruined doesn’t mean I don’t get to HAVE adventures it just means I need to wait until the time is right.
But Alas, the USA has changed in the past 14 years. Since the 2024 election, my fantasy about roadtripping the USA gets more and more shrouded in yuck, eew and nope. The last place I want to wake up is a red state. Exploring remote areas is less fun when you know there’s no consequence for whoever shoots or rapes you.
Canada is expensive and cold.
Mexico is warm.
At least Christmas is sorted for now.
One year from now I will unpack it all for final distribution
Two years from now I will be a version of myself living autonomously for the first time ever in my entire life and I am so excited for that feeling to come
What does it feel like to be me without overwhelming responsibilities? How does it feel to be in my own skin when I am free? What am I like when nobody needs me? What does dancing feel like when I am not weighted down by fear, stress, constant insurmountable expenses? How lovely is it to come and go as I please? How peaceful is it not having to consult another person on every matter? I can not wait to find out.
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